When I was a boy, I wanted to be a preacher. I loved going to our big church with its grand choir, where people spoke in tongues and passed out in the aisles. Oh the drama of it all! The spirit of that church was immense, as was my naïveté. My relationship with God was strong and very personal, though perhaps misguided.

In my junior year of high school, we had to read Rollo May’s Man’s Search for Himself, and it was a radical, life-changing experience for me. I was young, full of awe (and awkwardness), and for the first time, I realized how much my thoughts and actions were shaped by the information instilled in me by others—parents, teachers, friends, books, and so on. I wanted to know who I was without all these influences that had seeped into my consciousness.

After reading Rollo May, we read Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha. The main character, Siddhartha, embarks on a quest for self-discovery and enlightenment, exploring various paths, including asceticism, sensual pleasure, and material success, but finds them all insufficient. Ultimately, he realizes that true enlightenment cannot be taught but must be experienced personally. He discovers that wisdom comes from within and that understanding the interconnectedness of all life is key to spiritual fulfillment.

The combination of these two books led me to Buddhism and meditation and all kinds experimental practices: astral projection, mantra, fasting, silent meditation, and meditating while listening to music— press play on Enigma and Enya. What can I say? It was the late 80s. I was a shy, curious, innocent, confused, and closeted 17-year-old searching for deeper meaning and authenticity in my life.

Ultimately, this journey led me to the practice of yoga when I was 21 after reading Gandhi’s autobiography. His commitment to the yoga practices of ahimsa (non-violence) and satya (truth) strongly influenced my mind and shaped the next 30 years of my life including 20+ years of teaching yoga, meditation, and spiritual practices.

Now, at 51, I’ve reached a crossroads in this journey of self-discovery.

A little over a year ago I quit my full-time teaching career to become a full-time caregiver for my mom and dad. In all my years of spiritual practice and self-discovery becoming a caregiver has been the hardest and most transformative undertaking of them all. It has required me to look inward and confront the patterns and habits that I unconsciously developed and adapted from my childhood to feel loved, safe, and accepted.

Over the years I’ve matured however the embedded patterns became more sophisticated, nuanced, and elusive. As much as I wanted to believe I had overcome a lot of these defense mechanisms, they still manifested and morphed into unconscious behaviors. For a big part of my life, I was plagued with perfectionism, believing that if I could just get everything right, I could avoid the pain of criticism or failure. Coupled with my core people-pleasing behaviors, the desire to win approval and avoid conflict became a stagnating mindset, crippling my ability to follow and adhere to the practices that put me on my spiritual path to begin with. There have been many other obstacles along the way—substance use, excessive sexual behavior, and body dysmorphia (leading to over-eating and starvation). All of these under the guise of spiritual practice, lifestyle, and self-acceptance.

These habits are often so ingrained and accepted by society that we often fail to recognize them as coping mechanisms and unconscious patterns to avoid being hurt, to feel safe, and to be accepted. They become part of our identity, dictating how we interact with the world and perceive ourselves. However, by maintaining these habits, we distance ourselves from our true nature and limit our potential for growth, fulfillment, and authentic connection.

I remember years ago assigning a group in a series I was leading to keep a list of every lie they told, including exaggerations, white lies, blatant lies, and omissions (often to create a more favorable version of a story). A few days after giving the assignment, I ran into one of the participants at a yoga studio. I asked her how it was going. She exclaimed, "Everything out of my mouth is a lie!" I responded, "Is that true?" She shouted back, "Even that's not true!" We both laughed.

Looking inward demands a level of honesty and courage that can be quite daunting. Our daily routines, distractions, and even our relationships can serve as buffers against facing our true selves. These patterns and habits are often rooted in fear—fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of rejection, and ultimately, fear of our own vulnerability, which is the core of our human experience.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, love, and belonging. Yet, it is also the source of shame, fear, and our sense of unworthiness. To confront our vulnerability is to open ourselves up to the full spectrum of human emotions, which can be overwhelming and intimidating. As a result, we develop defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from these perceived threats.

The first step in breaking these patterns is taking real accountability for our reality. This means acknowledging our role in creating our experiences and moving away from a victim mentality. We must take responsibility for our actions, thoughts, and feelings, instead of blaming external factors like the world, our parents, unfair teachers, ex-lovers, or the government. This involves examining our life choices and motivations, questioning why we react certain ways, and considering how our behaviors may serve or sabotage our true desires.

The path to transformation is neither linear nor easy. It is filled with setbacks and challenges, but by committing to self-examination and accountability, we begin to dismantle barriers to authentic living. This process allows us to recognize and interrupt unconscious patterns, creating space for healthier behaviors. Though looking inward and taking accountability is challenging, it is key to unlocking profound personal transformation, ultimately leading to deeper self-understanding and a more fulfilling, authentic life.